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Angelle
23 September 2008 @ 02:52 pm
I just don't know what to do...  
I've been thinking a lot about the direction of my life lately. Currently, I work a dead-end job, with no college education to speak of. If I had a choice in the matter, I would pursue my art, either my pottery or film or both. The problem is, I don't have the courage (not to mention the money) to step out of my comfort zone and just "go for it."

Part of me wishes I had just stayed in school and finished before getting married, but at the same time, I LOVE being married. Also, I really need a break from school, because my heart just wasn't in it. I wasn't getting the grades I should have been because I was slacking so much. Taking a break from school was all about getting the motivation to go back. I see now, though, why so many people in my situation never go back. It is too easy to let other things get in the way.

Another problem is that money is always an object. Even if I got a significant scholarship or some other form of financial aid, I would still have to work a full-time job just so we could make ends meet. I have never been good at the school thing because I let too many things get in the way, and having to work just seems like it would be a recipe for academic disaster.
 
 
Current Location: Milton, WA
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Candle on the Water
 
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Angelle
31 August 2008 @ 12:49 am
Nothing In Particular  
I had a whole bunch of things to say when I started this entry, but now I don't know where to begin. I guess I haven't posted much because there has been nothing to post about. I miss all you out there in cyberspace (people I don't really see any more. All of you have been in my thoughts lately.
 
 
Current Location: Milton, WA
 
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Angelle
12 September 2007 @ 11:33 pm
(no subject)  
Will the person who has the audacity to lyric-whore on my LJ please at least tell me who you are?
 
 
Current Location: Ma chambre
Current Mood: annoyed
 
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Angelle
01 May 2007 @ 05:46 pm
IMPORTANT CHOIR INFORMATION  
The choir of which I am a part, California Baptist University Choir and Orchestra, is touring the coast and up into Alberta, Canada, over the next two and a half weeks. We have two concerts in the Seattle area, and a few in Oregon. It would mean so much to me if anyone of you would attend. The Washington and Oregon concerts are as follows:

Tuesday, May 8, 2007 @ 6:00 pm
First Baptist Church
3550 Fox Meadow Road
Eugene, OR 97408

Wednesday, May 9, 2007 @ 7:00 pm
Grace Baptist Church
10323 28th Ave SW
Seattle, WA 98146

Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 7:00 pm
Life Center
1717 S. Union Ave
Tacoma, WA 98405

Thursday, May 17, 2007 @ 6:00 pm
Beaverton Christian Church
13600 Southwest Allen Blvd.
Beaverton, OR 97005

If you are interested in the entire itinerary, send me a message or an email and I will make sure to get it to you. I hope to see some of you there.
 
 
Current Location: My Dorm Room
Current Mood: excited
 
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Angelle
26 April 2007 @ 10:17 am
Finals Suck.  
I failed my voice jury today. The accompanist was sight-reading, because we had not practiced together before. *sigh* It was not her fault, it was mine. I am just not cut out to be a performer, which is why I am not a performance major.

Is it such a coincidence that "final" and "fail" are only one letter different?

Well, I am off to my oboe jury. Perhaps I will do better in this one... thought it is not likely.
 
 
Current Location: My Dorm Room
Current Mood: anxious
 
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Angelle
12 March 2007 @ 01:16 pm
UCO Tour  
In other news, I just got back from the most exhausting thing I have ever done: UCO tour in Arizona. Wow. We were only gone for four days, but it feels like forever. Part of me still wants to be on tour, and the other part is so happy to be back at school.

We had a total of eight concerts (that's two a day). I do not think I want to sing our songs anymore. We need a whole new repertoire. My voice is so tired, so it is a blessing that I do not have to sing today.

On the trip, I got to know several people in choir (and in the orchestra) that I had not really talked to before. It was a really cool experience, and I know we grew as a group.

One last note: I AM COMING HOME ON SATURDAY!!!!!
 
 
Current Location: My Dorm Room
Current Music: With All of My Heart -- ZoeGirl
 
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Angelle
07 March 2007 @ 09:18 am
(no subject)  
This morning the fire alarm went off at 3:27. We were outside until 3:55. I didn't get back to sleep until 4:30. I woke up 15 minutes before my first class. Sometimes life sucks.
 
 
Current Location: Music Theory Class
Current Mood: aggravated
 
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Angelle
28 February 2007 @ 09:16 am
Lack of Sleep  
Dangit. I'm so tired this morning. *sigh* I have been staying up way too late the past few nights, not getting to sleep until 1 (ish) in the morning. Now I know that is not that late for some of you, but for me it is a killer. Classes come early, and I really have no excuse to not go to bed around 9:30, 10. I can barely keep my eyes open this morning.

I posting this journal to remind myself that I am not allowed to stay up late tonight. If any of you see me online after 10, tell me to go to bed.
 
 
Current Location: Music Theory class
Current Mood: tired
 
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Angelle
26 February 2007 @ 12:45 pm
My Celebrity Look-alikes  
My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

 
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Angelle
14 February 2007 @ 07:50 pm
(no subject)  
I'm sick. On Valentines Day. This sucks.
 
 
Current Location: Dorm Room
Current Mood: sick
Current Music: Whatever someone down the hall is listening to.
 
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Angelle
12 February 2007 @ 01:17 pm
Fights and Flights  
Last weekend I journaled about feeling left out. I guess that has been on my mind quite frequently this week. I have tried to remedy the situation by spending more time with Alise and Jana. That has helped some, but I have still been pretty stressed. I am behind in math, and it is a struggle trying to catch up.

Anyway, all the stress in my life bubbled to the surface last night, and I snapped.

Last night I had a concert. The concert went quite well, actually, and it was more enjoyable than usual. After the long bus ride back, however, I was tired and just wanted to snuggle down in bed.

All day yesterday, Christina had been doing "spring cleaning," doing a thorough clean of her side of the room, including but not limited to things like dusting, sorting, and decluttering. When I got back, I noticed that she had moved some of my stuff. I had some crackers on top of a box of hers on the shelf, and also some stuff on top of the mirror above the sink. She had moved this stuff on to my desk. No explanation. Now normally that would not bother me, or at least I would not normally say something if it did. However, everything came crashing down for me at that point.

I threw my stuff down on my bed, making it perfectly obvious that I was angry, and I wanted her to know it. She confronted me about it, and I went on the rant about feeling left out and how the moved stuff was like the straw that broke the camel's back. I tried to explain my feelings about being left out, and that there are things she does that bother me, etc. I explained very badly, and ended up leaving the room to go talk to our RA. It was wrong of me to leave at that point in time. She thought I was coming back, but I had no intention of coming back. I should have told her that.

After I had been talking to our RA for a few minutes about the situation, my roommate comes and joins us. She goes into attack mode, saying that I need to tell her when I have a problem with something, and that I cannot just leave when we are talking. She also says some things about how in the Bible it says that you must not "let the sun go down on your anger" and other things of that nature. She kept repeating the same things over and over. Stuff like "What's wrong with you? What's upsetting you? Why are you acting like this?" She talked for about ten minutes and then stopped. I was just sitting there crying silently. One thing she said got to me. She told me that I had "done that before," referring to the incident when I had first come back from the concert (throwing my stuff down, being grumpy). That really upset me, but I'll come back to that later.

I felt so trapped. I am not a confrontational person. I had already told her all I could, and she just keep demanding answers when I had none to give her. I needed to get out, and I said so on more than one occasion, but she did not listen. I know I handled the situation badly from the very beginning, but it felt like she did not even hear what I said. I am very bad at expressing myself, and of course there were some things that were upsetting me that had nothing to do with the present situation, but they were things I did not want to share. Our RA finally stepped into the one-sided conversation (my roommate had been doing all the talking) and tried to make it clear to my roommate that everything was out on the table, but she still did not understand. I finally spoke up. I do not remember exactly what I said, something about how a big portion of what was bothering me had nothing to do with her, and I just needed to be alone. That seemed to satisfy her for the time being.

The thing she said that stuck out to me bothered me because I hate myself for doing that. The fact that I have done it more than once is particularly bothersome. I would not like to be treated that way, and so I hate myself for treating someone else that way. I mean, last night I regretted it as soon as I did it. Why do I do things without thinking about the consequences first, and thinking about how it might affect other people? I know I need to stop hiding the things that bother me, because things eventually grow too big for me to deal with. I need to try to be a little more kind in how I express things.

As far as this situation, I have made a terrible mess of things and I do not know how to fix them. Alise says that confrontational people respond to strength, so the fact that I was retreating when my roommate wanted to talk confused and annoyed her. I just do not know how to be the kind of person I need to be to amend the problem.
 
 
Current Location: Riverside, CA
Current Mood: morose
 
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Angelle
02 February 2007 @ 09:50 pm
(no subject)  
Tonight I went to see a movie with my roommate and some of the girls on our hall. I thought, "Hey, I'll try to get involved, make things like they were last semester."

I wish I could say it was.

It's like they did not even know I was there. They never said anything to me. They were absorbed in their own conversations. Sometimes they did not even acknowledge me when I interjected a comment.

Sometimes I feel like I'm invisible. Am I just expecting too much?

I am not a talkative person. I never have been. If someone talks to me, I will talk back. If people around me are having a conversation that does not include me, I will stay out of it.

But tonight I was trying to be involved! I was trying to be social! That is not an easy thing for me.

I am sitting here alone now. I just want someone to hug me and tell me that they love me. That I matter. Is that too much to ask?
 
 
Current Location: My dorm room
Current Mood: lonely
 
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Angelle
02 February 2007 @ 02:24 pm
(no subject)  
Today I have an oboe lesson at 4:30.

I haven't practiced for two weeks, except for a little time last night and a little bit this morning.

I also don't have the book.

I am so screwed.

Wish me luck.
 
 
Current Location: My Dorm Room
Current Mood: agitated
Current Music: Pur Dicesti, O Bocca Bella
 
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Angelle
16 January 2007 @ 08:55 pm
Life Options  
Wow. It feels like I have so much to say that I do not know where to begin. The funny thing is, by the time I am finished with this entry, I probably will not have written that much. That is how it always is.

*pause to collect thoughts*

I need to figure out what I am going to do about school. I have several options. Option 1, stay at Cal Baptist and finish here. Option 2, transfer to a school somewhere closer to home. Option 3, quit school entirely and come home. Well, option 3 is really not an option. I am in for the long haul; I am going to complete my schooling.

Let us explore option 1. California Baptist University is a very good school, with a very good music program. One of the best in the world is our Dean of the School of Music, so that is saying something pretty spectacular. I have had the privilege of studying under this man, as he conducts the University Choir and Orchestra (of which I am a part). He gets to know each and every one of us! That is no small task. There are about 141 ish in the choir/orchestra. That is amazing! Dedication like that is not something you find everywhere. What is more, he cares that I am here. The weirdest thing happened today: he told me he hoped I was not leaving. I think he must be able to read my mind.

Not only does Cal Baptist have a good music program, but they excel in other areas as well. Good math program, which is something else I am interested. The one draw back is that I would not be able to get my Washington teacher's certificate from here, so if I stay here until I graduate, I will have to do more school when I get back home. Well, I suppose there is more than one drawback. The other is that I am very far from home. Far from the people I care about the most: family, friends, church family. I MISS EVERYONE SO MUCH!

Option 2 also has merit. I will be applying to Northwest University, which is in Kirkland, Washington, for the fall semester 2007. Understand that just because I am applying does not mean that I will actually go there. Northwest is reputed for their teaching program. I would be able to get my bachelors in education with a math endorsement, and then go on to get my masters. All in all, it would take less time than if I stayed here at Cal Baptist.

I would also be close to home if I transferred. Being able to see family and friends regularly would, I believe, take some of the stress away with which I am currently contending, which is, of course, one of the main reasons I have for even considering a transfer.

But if I transfered I would leave behind the music. I mean, I might take some music classes at Northwest, I might even minor in music, but I know it just will not be the same. Here, I have UCO. I LOVE UCO! It is amazing being in a group with such a passion for learning, and a passion for God. And to be led by one of the best in the world... Nothing can top it. Some of my happiest times here have been somehow related to UCO, whether it is that I am with the people, or actually singing in the group. I know I would miss it, and I do not want to have regrets about leaving here.

I know that I am the only one who can make the final decision. I also know that someone will be unhappy with whatever I choose, so I need not to worry so much about what other people think. I welcome any thoughtful advice, however.
 
 
Current Location: My dorm room
Current Mood: pensive
 
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Angelle
16 January 2007 @ 11:44 am
English Paper! Help!  
Today I have to start thinking about my final paper for English. It's a research paper, 12-15 pages. The teacher would prefer it to be something in our major, or perhaps about a field we want to go in to.

My major is currently listed as Music, but I believe that is going to be changing shortly. I would like to go into mathematics, probably education, so that I can be a high school math teacher.

This being said, I still have no idea for a topic. No idea. Help, anyone?
 
 
Current Location: My dorm room
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Into the West - Annie Lennox
 
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Angelle
12 January 2007 @ 09:11 am
It is Winter here...  
Oh my goodness! It snowed this morning in Riverside, CA! It was not that exciting though. I am just astonished that it got cold enough to snow. It is definitely cold today.

So for this entry, the edelweiss is a blossom of snow. XD
 
 
Current Location: Class
Current Mood: cold
Current Music: Pachelel Canon in D (hehehe, I'm in Music Theory)
 
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Angelle
16 November 2006 @ 06:33 am
High Emotions and Long Bus Rides  
I realize that some of you were mildly distressed by the last (two) post(s), so let me reassure you. The purpose of those posts was to get emotions out. I was very upset, and I needed to vent. Not everything I said can be taken at face value, considering the emotional state I was in.

That being said, let me continue with my regular post.

Today and yesterday were both regular days, very boring... Tuesday, however, was quite abnormal. I mentioned that we had a UCO concert that day. We did. In Bakersfield, CA. Bakersfield is about three hours away. Now, it is quite normal for us to go that far for a regular Sunday (or Saturday) concert, but very unusual for a week day. Another odd thing: Our concert was a half-hour long. Yes, that is correct. One half-hour. Not only that, but we got there about an hour and a half before we had to do sound check, so we had a lot of time to kill. We left at 1:30 in the afternoon (I had to miss Latin, bummer) and we didn't get back until 10:30. To put it mildly, I was not a happy person.

Enough about the concert. Right now, I need to do homework. I still can get everything done that I need to, but it will be much more difficult, and I will have to really work. I will likely not post again until this coming Tuesday or Wednesday, just so I limit my distractions.

I hope you all have a good weekend. God bless. Iononline: The Lord will be with you. Always.
 
 
Current Location: My dorm room
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Amazing -- Raze
 
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Angelle
14 November 2006 @ 12:04 am
A Failed Attempt  
Last night, I auditioned for our school's musical, "Seussical." It is basically a compilation of the works of Dr. Seuss, set to music. From what I have read about it, and the little snippets I have heard of the music, it sounds like a really fun and energetic play, and I was excited for the opportunity to participate. Unfortunately, I blew the audition.

At five-thirty (PM, of course), I was sitting in the foyer of our school's theater, anxiously awaiting my turn to audition. The group with which I was auditioning consisted of three other girls from University Choir and Orchestra, as well as two young girls ("Seussical" has many parts for children). All three of the other UCO girls went before me, for which I was slightly thankful at the time, thinking it a time to collect myself and calm my nerves. Too bad for me that it had the opposite effect.

One of the girls did quite well, and she was asked to stay after to sing some character part from the play. The other two UCO girls did okay. I have heard both of them sing individually, and they could have done so much better, but they did not do terrible. Last of all me, and I was truly horrible. I know that sometimes I say that, and the statement is not necessarily true. Therefore, let me assure that, in this case, I am telling the absolute truth. I am not suffering from a lack of self-esteem, and therefore seeing things I do as worse than they actually are. No. I did truly bad. I was shaking so badly that I could not stay on key, even with the piano playing my part, and I could not get over a single one of my vocal breaks smoothly. I have never done so badly at an audition. I felt like one of those people on American Idol. You know, the girl who is so convinced that she can sing, because "so many people" have told her that she is "so good." Then she sings and all you want to do is cover your ears and laugh. Except this time, that girl was me.

One of the ladies doing the auditioning said, "Well, it could be worse, we could be mean about it." Trust me, that statement was mean enough. I already knew that I had blown it, and it was all I could do not to burst into tears and run off right there. Fortunately, I was able to maintain some dignity, and when it was over I walked calmly back to my room, whereupon I promptly burst into tears and was inconsolable for the better part of an hour. All I ever wanted to be was Julie Andrews, and I cannot even make it through a school musical audition. I feel hopeless. I feel like I never want to sing again, which could be interesting considering I have a UCO concert today. Yay for me.

Now, before you comment saying something along the lines of "Everything will be okay; life goes on; just take it one day at a time; you were just having a bad day, etc" remember that I have heard all of these things before, and I am telling you I DO NOT NEED TO HEAR THEM AGAIN.
 
 
Current Location: My dorm room
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Something by "The Static Cling"
 
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Angelle
12 November 2006 @ 10:37 pm
I'm killing myself, one not finished homework assignment at a time.  
Arg. I knew I wouldn't do it. I knew it. I'm so bad at this college thing; I cannot even force myself to do homework. I have to be in the perfect mood to do it, and that only comes about once a month.

Why can I not do it? I do not understand at all. I remember an entry I posted at the beginning of this year, about keeping my room clean. I said something about "It just takes a little bit of effort every day, and then the mess doesn't build up. I wish I could learn that with homework." I STILL WISH THAT! I get so angry with myself, but it doesn't do any good. I'm still lazy; I still procrastinate; I still manage to distract myself with trivial things.

I want to change, but I don't know how.
 
 
Current Location: My dorm room
Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Whatever Christina is currently listening to
 
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Angelle
11 November 2006 @ 11:31 pm
(no subject)  
Today was a fun day. Got to hang out with Jinnae and Christina. We went to Wendy's (a very round-a-bout way, took us 3 times as long as it should have) and then to the frozen yogurt shop. Excellent frozen yogurt, lemme tell ya.

After we came back, we went our separate ways until around 6:30, at which time we conviened for PIZZA AND A MOVIE. We watched two movies, both chick flicks (what else is there?) "The Lake House" and "A Cinderella Story." It felt so good to just hang out with friends, that's something I've definitely missed.

Tomorrow I need to buckle down and do my homework. I must do my homework.
 
 
Current Location: My dorm room
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: I Will Be Here -- Steven Curtis Chapman
 
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Angelle
10 November 2006 @ 11:33 pm
(no subject)  
I really don't feel like updating right now, but going along with my attempt at daily updates... here goes nothing.

Today was a pretty good day, but I still feel the crushing weight of overdue homework on me. I am going to be working my hiney off next week, getting caught up and such, but the good thing is I am all done with my chapel requirements, and I'm down a class because one of my professors will be in Washington D.C. All in all, if I work very hard it is possible for me to get everything done. It's just the putting my nose to the grindstone part that is particularly fearsome.

My problem is, I want to get good grades, but I don't want to work for them. If I could find within myself the desire to work for them, I'd be fine. But I can't find that desire. I'm lazy by nature.

I was watching "Uncommon Wings" today, the play that Kory and I were in our freshman year of high school. I had forgotten how much I loved that play. The imagery is so beautiful. It's a shame, really, that our budget was so low that we couldn't make it look good. I really hate the dresses I wore. they looked so shabby, and my shoes were all wrong. Oh well. Life goes on, and I suppose people really cared more about what we had to say than what we were wearing (although Kory looked great).

Well, I should head to bed. I don't want to disrupt my sleep pattern so much that I won't be able to get up on Monday. XD
 
 
Current Location: My dorm room
Current Mood: nostalgic
Current Music: Laisse Tomber Les Filles -- France Gall
 
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Angelle
09 November 2006 @ 07:36 am
(no subject)  
Ugh, I hate fire alarms. Apparently, ours had a short. It went off not just one, but two times last night, in the middle of the night. It's so aggravating. If you sleep through it, or for some reason don't exit the building, you get fined.

Well, I'm off to class. I probably will not give a longer update later today. I will save that for tomorrow. Have a great day!
 
 
Current Mood: cold
 
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Angelle
08 November 2006 @ 08:26 pm
A lil of this and that  
I am such a geek. Star Wars geek to be precise. *points to icon* I don't know why. I just am. Gotta love Star Wars.

Anyway... The Marine Corps Ball was interesting. The best part was getting to dress up and being away from school and hanging out with David. Well, I guess that's three best parts. It was really rather boring, kind of a let-down. I am a firm believer that the anticipation is greater than the reward. That's how it was with the Ball.

School is going fine, a little bit better, actually. Getting caught up in every class... mostly. Still struggling with English, but I cannot change overnight. I know what I need to do, I just have to sit down and force myself to do it.

It's amazing how close it is to the end of the semester. Sometimes it feels like I have been here forever, and sometimes it still seems like I just got here. I guess that's the way things go. I am totally stoked for going home. Getting to sleep in my own bed, getting to take a bath, seeing those I love dearly. *sigh* Nostalgic moment.

Well, I should get to the homework I need to do. My musicianship homework is freaking hard! I hope that I will be able to do it.
 
 
Current Location: My dorm room
Current Music: Beauty and the Beast
 
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Angelle
08 November 2006 @ 04:51 am
Stupid Fire Drills at Ungodly Hours  
[Brittany and Christina sound asleep]
4:32:15 AM [loud ringing]
4:32:20 AM [Brittany wide awake out of a dead sleep]
Brittany: Christina! Fire Alarm!
Christina: Are you serious?
Brittany: I wish I weren't.
[Both hurriedly throw clothes on and exit the building]
 
 
Current Location: Back in my dorm room
Current Mood: annoyed
 
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Angelle
07 November 2006 @ 11:15 am
The End of [My] World  
I. Am. So. Screwed. I have to make up most of the work for the entire semester TODAY. I will not survive today. I will update with Marine Corps Ball details tomorrow, if I am still among the living.
 
 
Current Location: My dorm room
Current Mood: gloomy
 
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Angelle
05 November 2006 @ 08:53 pm
I Am Going...  
I have been neglecting my journal! Not on purpose, I assure you. I am simply not in the habit of the daily update thing yet. I will try to do better in the future.

Today was a good day. I went with David and Jared (both Marines) to the mall to pick out shoes for my dress. Oh wait. I have said nothing about why I have a dress, have I not? Well, here it is. I was invited by David to go to the Marine Corps Ball. Tomorrow, as in Monday, November 6, 2006. I am so excited! My dress is black, with a halter style top, and bead work on the straps and the top of the bodice. It is long and flowing and pretty and I feel just like a princess in it, just minus the tiara. So today I got shoes to match, and I am all set to go!

I will post a longer entry tomorrow or Tuesday (tomorrow will be a busy day, so I may not have time to update). I will be sure to give lots of details.

Well, gotta run. I got about two hours of sleep last night, so I am pretty tuckered out.
 
 
Current Location: My dorm room
Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Music: Edelweiss -- The Sound of Music
 
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Angelle
02 November 2006 @ 07:43 pm
The Downs of Life  
Another day, another dollar... minus the "another dollar" part. Being a college student is synonymous with being broke.

I am really struggling here. Homesickness is my constant companion, and I am getting quite tired of it. I have started looking into private schools with music programs back home... so far the prospects are discouraging. SPU costs about $10,000 more per year than here. It does, however, have an excellent music program.

It has taken being away from home for so long to make me realize that this is not the way I want things to be. I want to be near my family when I go to school, or at least have ONE PERSON down here with me, a close friend, or my boyfriend. Having that one person would make things so much easier. I wouldn't spend so much time on the computer, distracting myself from more important things, like homework.

Speaking of homework, that's another problem. I am still doing the avoiding/procrastinating thing. It is starting to affect my grades. I need to stop, I know, but I have done this for so long I do not know how to be a good student. High school never broke me of my bad habits which I formed when I was in elementary school. I need help, but I am afraid to ask for it.

I feel like a big, fat failure. Everything is slipping out of my grasp; the horizon is dark and foreboding. I came here with the determination to get stellar grades and make my parents so proud of me. Now, my prospects of getting even acceptable grades are dismal, no matter how hard I work to amend the situation. To say that I am angry with myself would not even begin to cover it. I am furious with myself, and I loathe the part of me that does this.

It would be so wonderful to be free from the pressure of excelling in everything I do. The standard to which I want to hold myself is not out of my grasp normally; if I worked at it from the start I could attain it. This I know. I know that I'm intelligent; I know that I am gifted. But I have a horrible work ethic.

I should really go and attempt to do homework now. Perhaps I should just take one thing at a time, rather than trying to look at the whole picture and getting overwhelmed. Please pray for me.
 
 
Current Location: My dorm room
Current Mood: homesick
Current Music: Get Away Car -- TobyMac
 
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Angelle
01 November 2006 @ 02:27 pm
(no subject)  
I will force myself to like writing, even if it kills me. I am determined to update every day, from now on, even if I don't have much to say. I will say anything that comes to my mind. So... here it goes.

On Monday night I dyed my hair. Yes, you heard correctly: Brittany DID SOMETHING DIFFERENT with her hair. It is now auburn. I have been told that it looks really nice, but I currently don't have a picture to post of it. Will try to get one soon.

Not only did I change my look, but Jake bought me this ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS necklace and sent it down to me. Something new for my new hair, hehehe. I got it today, and started to cry. It's so delicate and feminine. *sigh* He's so good to me. I don't deserve him, but he wouldn't appreciate me saying that.

And here is where I completely blank. I guess the trouble I have with writing is that I don't believe I have anything to say that people really need, or even want, to hear. I'm pretty sure that's always been my problem. I'm not an expressive person; I tend to keep things inside, and in the event that it bubbles out, I usually lose momentum by the time I sit down to write about it.

I wish I could be like my friend Alise, or like Melissa, and just say anything that comes to mind, no matter how random or silly. I always enjoy reading things my friends write, but I doubt myself. I don't think that I could write anything as enjoyable to read.

Okay I finally have something. Overcoming writers block a little bit here.

Sean [Timm] came down to visit me this weekend. I begged him not to, but he did anyway. So, in turn, I was really mean, and I avoided him. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. Jake really doesn't like him, and I sometimes feel uncomfortable around him. This isn't an excuse, I suppose, but I felt imposed upon. I expressly asked him NOT to come, and he did anyway. I even BRIBED him not to come. *sigh* It was mean-hearted of me to avoid him like I did, so I don't need any comments telling me that it was mean (Melissa!). Anyway, he's gone now, so nothing more need be said about that.

Sickness has finally fled my body, and I feel alive again. Yay! I had to go to the doctor yesterday for a follow-up appointment, and I was like "I'm better, can I go now?" Of course, doctor's don't let you go that easily, so I had to stick around and let her ask me all kinds of questions about my health and such. That's life, I suppose.

I'm guessing that I have bored you all sufficiently by now that you are just itching to get to the end of this thing. I shall oblige you. Have a good day. Angel out.
 
 
Current Location: My dorm room
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: May It Be -- Enya
 
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Angelle
30 October 2006 @ 06:54 pm
Good Advice  
If you ever dislike a part of you that you cannot change without drastic measures (i.e. cosmetic surgery), NEVER EVER photoshop (edit, gimpshop, whatever) a picture of you in which you edit that trait. It will make things SO MUCH WORSE. Believe me. Don't do it. That's all you'll be able to think about.
 
 
Current Location: My dorm room
Current Music: Your Grace Still Amazes Me -- UCO
 
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Angelle
23 September 2006 @ 06:51 pm
First Concert  
For those of you who don't know, down here at California Baptist University I am in University Choir and Orchestra (singing, of course). Last weekend, Sunday the 17th, we had our first concert. Since we had only had three class periods to rehearse, and that weekend conference, some of us were quite unprepared on some songs (me included!) but according to the audience it was very good.

It was a bit hard for me personally, though, and not just because I didn't know the music. At one point, Dr. Bonner had all the parents stand up, and of course mine weren't among them. Granted, many other students didn't have parents there as well, but I still felt like mine should have been there. It was a selfish wish, I know, but I've really missed my family since I came down here.

One thing that was truly weird for me was memories that kept flooding me. You see, when I was little, Highline Church usually invited PSCC's Soundwaves, their small musical group, to sing at our church. I remember wanting to be just like that. And now I'm here. I am in college, singing my heart out, just as I dreamt of doing all those years ago. That was a wonderful thought, and thankfully it brought me out of feeling sorry for myself.
 
 
Current Location: My dorm room
Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: Praise You -- University Choir and Orchestra
 
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Angelle
12 September 2006 @ 07:43 am
Reflections on September 11, 2001  
I wrote this piece for my English class. I know that many of you who read this will be fellow Seattlites. Just remember that this was written to people who don't know me, and who do not have any idea of my history.

"When asked to divulge my initial reaction on the events of September 11, 2001, I cannot give a real answer. I have no memory of my first reaction, which leads me to believe that it was unimportant. I remember being the first to walk into the classroom, and staring at the television that my teacher had turned on, and yet what I felt at that moment I cannot say. My personal reaction never really mattered, anyway. It was the reaction of the group that mattered, in my case, my school.

I do, however, remember that rest of that day with a special clarity. Our middle school halls were crowed with students, and the atmosphere was an odd mixture of the day-to-day chattiness of eighth graders, and a new numbness. Class after class, the television was tuned to the news, and we watched as the planes smashed into the towers, over and over, and saw the buildings eventually crumble to the ground. My fourth period teacher was especially inconsolable. Apparently she had friends in New York City.

On the way home from school, there was silence in the car as we listened to the radio, about the grounded planes, all flights canceled. People were stranded in strange airports, wanting so much to be home with their families in this tragic time.
It is one thing to hear words on the radio, and another to see with your own eyes the consequences of an event. You see, I live in SeaTac, the city between Seattle and Tacoma, home of Seattle-Tacoma (Sea-Tac) International Airport. For me, seeing airplanes in the sky is so familiar, I almost do not notice it. That day, I noticed the strange absence of it, and for the first time, I had a memorable reaction; I was filled with fear at the unknown, as well as a great sense of sadness.

Now, five years later, I have many memories that I miss. We used to go to the airport and ride the subways, running around the poles with the abandon of children, for that is what we were. No longer is that allowed. We used to meet friends coming home from trips at the gate, engulfing them with a wave of family and friends. No longer are we permitted to do that. I miss that.

I will always miss the things taken away, but I also know that I was fortunate."
 
 
Current Location: My dorm room
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Indescribable -- University Choir and Orchestra
 
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Angelle
11 September 2006 @ 07:31 pm
I should be doing homework now...  
Thanks for the nudge, Anna.
 
 
Current Location: My room
Current Mood: bored
Current Music: UCO repertiore stuffs
 
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Angelle
30 April 2006 @ 07:45 pm
(no subject)  
Updating because I have NOTHING ELSE TO DO... besides calc homework.

I went to my cousin's baby shower today. She's due in July, but lemme tell you, I think she's having a baby elephant. Her stomach is rather large. (Please no (c)rude jokes about that statement.)

It was a really nice little gathering. Saw family I haven't seen in quite some time, which is nice.

Now that I'm updating, nothing about my life at present seems really worth relating...

School is normal, except that for the first time in my life I've been regularly skipping class. Now before you get to excited about that, let me tell you about the class I've been skipping. Sociology. My teacher lectures directly out of the book, so all I really need to do is read the book, which I do. I go to class for quizzes and tests and to turn in papers. When I'm not in class I'm either reading my book or in ceramics, so it's not as if I'm wasting my time smoking pot or something (which is absolutely gross, by the way, for all you pot-heads out there).

Well then, that about sums up my life recently, nothing really interesting. Until next time.
 
 
Current Mood: bored
Current Music: Heaven by DJ Sammy and Yanou featuring Do
 
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Angelle
14 April 2006 @ 02:05 pm
(no subject)  
New stuff up on deviant art, both in my gallery and scraps.
 
 
Current Location: My room
Current Mood: Serene
Current Music: Violin Concerto No. 1 In G Minor 2.Adagio
 
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Angelle
27 March 2006 @ 03:01 pm
What is this world coming to?  
This is a repost from Firalyn's journal, so if you must comment, comment on her post, not mine.

If you are a squeamish kind of person, I'm telling you now not to read this. It's not pleasant, and some of the descriptions might make you ill...consider yourself warned.

I saw something today that made me feel sick, literally. And yes, that is saying something because I'm not the kind of person to get sick just from seeing something...but this was just too much for me.

I'm talking about serious graphic material...I'm not going to be able to forget about that for a long time. Periodically throughout the day random flashes from that clip played in my mind, and I felt sick. Again. Who knew...and it's all because I watched.

Tiny, "fearfully and wonderfully made," to quote David....perfectly formed before being ripped into shreds, severed and murdered.

Know what I'm talking about now? If you haven't caught on, yes I am talking about a young human life. Not a blob of tissue, not a woman's right to freaking choose when she already made the choice to actually have sex (in most cases, at least).

We talked about abortion in UTT today, in typical format. Meaning we had our workbooks out and were taking notes during a movie, one that I actually liked for the most part. The guy brought up some logically sound points against abortion that I hadn't necessarily thought of before. At the end of today's installment, we were warned numerous times, both by the speaker himself and by Mr. Dyck, that what was going to be shown was reality. It was true, everything real -- but we didn't have to watch.

Imagine: music softly playing, pictures of a baby in the womb. Still forming, a life created and planned by God...overall, a gentle picture. Then the music changes - and so does the message and images. Instead of the calming heartbeats, there are tiny limbs just...sitting there, in a petri dish! So tiny that they are no bigger than a dime...little faces, ripped in two or with large gaps missing in them!

"Fearfully and wonderfully made." It makes me want to cry right now, just thinking about it. Do women today not understand what they are doing when they have an abortion?!?! Murder, that's what it is; I don't care if you're a pro-choice person or not, that's the reality of it! When an abortion is carried out, a little life is eliminated. Eradicated. Abolished. Murdered.

Those pictures today really shook me up; I'm not going to forget those images any times soon. Yes, it was an argument that appealed to the emotions, but if you had seen it, too...! I wasn't smart enough to look away like many girls did, like Mr. Dyck said we could. No, not me; and I don't know if I regret it or not.

Those images will plague my conscious for a long time, I think...they certainly ghosted in and out of my mind today, though I wish they hadn't. As they played, I knew I should look away because I felt sick, but I couldn't-! What I saw made me want to retch and cry at the same time...it took me near three-quarters' of my next class to calm down and not feel the need to leave. And even then whenever what I saw came up, those feelings returned.

It broke my heart, guys; I don't mean in the romantic sense, but...oh geez, how can I even describe it?! Knowing what happens, what those women are doing...yes, I knew what an abortion was before hand. But I'd never seen the images of a detached arm or foot smaller that a dime; I'd never seen the gaping heads of what could have been a beautiful baby...oh God, what has society come to today? Women are killing innocent children without second thoughts all because it would be a hassle or because they made a mistake...

God help us, because we need it.

If you're reading this and you've had an abortion...no, I'm not condemning you, so don't think it. And I would say I'm sorry if this offended you in any way...but I don't think I am. This is reality, and if you prefer to hide behind pro-choice arguments that deny the legitimacy of a young life...well, that's your choice, but I won't stand for it.

Courtesy of Firalyn

I would add but one thing to her post: If you have had an abortion, not only are we not condemning you, but neither is God. He will forgive, you have but to ask.
 
 
Current Mood: infuriated
 
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Angelle
09 March 2006 @ 09:55 am
(no subject)  
Thank you so much, Mom, for the wake-up call. I needed it.
 
 
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: The Plagues (The Prince Of Egypt) by Amick Bryam Featuring Ralph Fiennes
 
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Angelle
03 March 2006 @ 09:47 am
(no subject)  
You Are 52% Open Minded

You are a very open minded person, but you're also well grounded.

Tolerant and flexible, you appreciate most lifestyles and viewpoints.

But you also know where you stand firm, and you can draw that line.

You're open to considering every possibility - but in the end, you stand true to yourself.


Your Fortune Is

He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard deserves to be kicked by the foot.
 
 
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Ash And Smoke (The Lord Of The Rings - The Return Of The King) by Howard Shore
 
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Angelle
27 February 2006 @ 10:01 am
Going along with Anna's theme of late -- STUPID HOMEWORK  
Sitting here, in my room contemplating. I've learned that perhaps it's not such a good thing to do, but calculus homework tends to do that to me. My mind just starts to wander, and pretty soon, I'm pondering tough questions about my life.

For instance: Why on earth am I taking calculus in the first place? Is it simply because I like math? Is it because I feel that is what is expected of me? My grade in that class is abysmal, and the only person I have to blame for that is myself. It's not that I don't understand the concepts. I get it. I just don't do the work. Why do I not do the work? That is a very good question, and one I don't have an answer to. I wish I did. I mean, I wish I did the work. My grade would be so much better, I'd feel so much better about myself. But I don't. I can't seem to make myself. I put the work off to the last minute, and by the time I get around to it, my brain shuts down saying, "Oh, you're not going to be able to finish that, you may as well not do it anyway."

Calculus isn't the only class in which I have this problem. Why can't I learn my lesson?

I used to have a really messy room, all the time. I hated to clean it because it was such a big job, took forever. I struggled to force myself to make it presentable when company would come over. Well, I no longer have a messy room. It's clean. All the time. I discovered a revolutionary concept: If you do a little work daily, such as always putting away your clothes when you take them off, or straightening papers and whatnot, then things stay clean. Amazing, huh?

I wish I could learn that with homework. Well, I guess I already know it, the trouble is acting on my knowledge.

On a brighter note, I'm doing pretty well in Political Science. I think I'm maintaining a 3.9 or 4.0, which is exciting. Even if I get an abysmal calculus grade, I'll have something to pull my GPA up, even if only a little.

Well, I suppose I should get back to that calculus homework. Eech.
 
 
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Stories (Down To The Bottom) (Welcome To Diverse City) by TobyMac
 
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Angelle
04 February 2006 @ 12:51 pm
(no subject)  
You Are 23 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.
 
 
Current Mood: giddy
Current Music: Kyrie Eleison (Song Cinema) by Mark Schultz
 
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Angelle
03 January 2006 @ 05:20 pm
(no subject)  
I have always been a very "posessive" person. What I mean is, I have always had trouble sharing my things. I don't like other people using my things. My mother has long told me that this is an aspect of my personality which does not exactly help me begin and maintain relationships with other people. So I have tried to change.

This past year, I have become much more open with my things. I no longer freak out when my brother or sister takes one of my DVDs to watch without asking. (I may say something along the lines of, "Please ask next time," but I don't bite their heads off anymore.) The one thing I forgot: People don't always notice change. Any hint of the old behavior and they think you're just as you always were, even when it's simply not true.

I have been filling out a college application for the past few days online, so it has been left up on my computer screen. (Yes, my own, personal computer. Not a family computer.) Now, I have given my sister leave to have her own account on my computer, something I would have never done two years ago. I don't mind her using my computer, as long as she is willing to give it up if I want it, which she always has been. I also requested that she always use "fast user switching" when I'm logged in, so that if I haven't saved a document I won't lose it.

Yesterday, she used my computer exactly right, and I place none of the blame on her, but somehow the window with my college application got closed. I didn't yell at her. I didn't do anything. I calmly began filling it out again. However, I did put a note on my computer saying "Do Not Use" so that that wouldn't happen again.

So today, my sister comes up to me and says "Does that note really mean 'Do Not Use'?" and I replied "Yes, it does." So she basically flies off the handle, asking me why and saying that I'm not sharing, etc, and I'm thinking, "Wait a minute, I'm letting you use my brand new computer which I paid quite a bit of money for! All I'm asking is that you don't use it for a few days." Of course I didn't say that, although it would have been better than what I did say. My mom was silent the whole time. After my sister stormed off, I turned to my mom and asked her if I had been out of line.

She couldn't give me a straight answer. All she said was "Well, you are protective of your stuff." That really hurt my feelings. I have tried so hard to change, and suddenly the change isn't appreciated. So I'll ask you. Was I out of line?
 
 
Current Mood: pissed off
Current Music: Wolf in the Bend -- Joy Electric
 
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Angelle
14 November 2005 @ 04:52 pm
(no subject)  
Just because the picture's pretty...

HASH(0x8593454)
You are the Angel of Sorrow. You are always lost
deep in thought, and sad, though you may not
know why. You long for the pain to go away
above everything else, and yet a part of you
needs the depression, so you can never truly
get out of it. You are a kind person, but you
don't let yourself get close to other people
for fear of being hurt.


What are you the Angel of?
brought to you by Quizilla
 
 
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Here Without You -- 3 Doors Down
 
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Angelle
10 November 2005 @ 04:56 pm
(no subject)  
There Tim
 
 
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Masters in the Hall -- Gary Bonner Singers
 
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